My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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