I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
