Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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