my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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