i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
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