He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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