It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
