is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
