Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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