my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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