Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
