Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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