i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize