she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Well I just put wine in my tea
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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