genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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