I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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