I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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