i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
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