my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
