I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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