i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
