i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
