i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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