My liver just broke up with me...
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
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