I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
