her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
