Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
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