i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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