I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
