he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
