Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
