did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Randomize
