i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
