Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
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