How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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