hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
