i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
