Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize