My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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