I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize