She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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