You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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