your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
