She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
