Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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