Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Randomize
