if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
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