:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
