can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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