You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
