i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
