k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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