there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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