Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
