I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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