doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
