Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
