So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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