: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
