put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Randomize