so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I think my fart just growled at me.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
